Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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