I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
