Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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