I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
