Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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