You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
