So gin and wine won't be happening again
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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