Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
