Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
