Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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