apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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