I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm gonna have a badass scar
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
