On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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