you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
