If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
