Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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