$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
