I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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