You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
