you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
