I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
