a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
