the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I smell like Dick and happiness
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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