These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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