I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
