Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
