The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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