Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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