sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
