the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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