wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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