I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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