i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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