i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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