me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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