why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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