hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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