hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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