I don't think brook has ever known best
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
We were destined to go to rehab together
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
