What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
