You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
