my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
