Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
