the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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