I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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