apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
