Screwed.edu
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
