You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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