i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
