You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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