well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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