When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
